It’s deflating isn’t it? Hearing those words?
Even when the job was something you weren’t totally sold on or sure if you would accept, it’s still a total kick in the guts.
For the first time in my life, I’m in a position where I have spousal support, plus a bit of time up my sleeve and some money aside to help cover bills - but that won’t last forever.
Another first for me, is that this time around the job hunting cycle - I actually understand myself a bit better. I’m (very slowly) starting to get some real clarity around what it is I am looking for, and what lights me up. I feel like in the past when I have tried a new venture it has always been a bit half-arsed, or I’ve had this crippling sense of self doubt and fear of rejection that stops me from consistently showing up.
I’ll do one little “brave” thing - like a vulnerable instagram post, some big declaration to friends and family, or I’ll buy a new domain - then the novelty will wear off, the dopamine hit is gone and I’ll literally never even think of it again.
For so long, I used to just think I was broken and I would never be able to do the normal human thing where I work hard, hustle, show up and make a difference.
But now, knowing that I have ADHD, and gaining a deeper understanding day by day of how it actually shows up for me and in my life, I feel like I’m waaaaay more accepting and kinder on myself. Plus, I’ve spent the last 18 months in an intense hyperfocus learning about ADHD, soaking up hours of podcasts, audiobooks, webinars, youtube videos, researching, reading and my own therapy sessions.
Regular talk therapy has helped me recognise what is happening up in my brain, but also acknowledging just how far I have come in such a short time.
Even just 6 months ago, if I’d got that “thanks but no thanks” call from the job prospect - I would have completely broken down and gone into a massive shame spiral. I would have run through things in my mind with a fine tooth comb and picked apart every little aspect and dragged it through the mud. I would have been so hard on myself.
So, today, I am celebrating the fact that I got that call - and while that RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) kicked me in the guts and I felt a literal, physical ache in my chest…I let myself feel sad. I had a little cry. I roamed around the house for a bit, feeling like a lost puppy. Then, I shook myself off, grabbed my laptop and came to sit in the sun on my back deck and write this down. I’m doing this so that one day, when I get another so-called knock back, I can come back to this and know that yup, it will suck, but it’s not the end of the world.
